Is your strength killing you?
Ladies, please stop saying “I got this". You’re affirming your way to madness.
My gaze penetrated the hospital wall.
I was creating a scene in my imagination far beyond the reality that was occurring.
Thank heavens I had a kind, gentle nurse that held space for my squeamish nature.
The ER doctor had given orders for a variety of tests to determine what was causing my lower back pain.
With IV port installed in my left arm and heart monitors on, I finally succumbed to the loitering urge to faint.
Waking to the voices requesting my response brought me back to the present moment. When I was alert enough, the staff helped me into a wheelchair.
Soon I was laying in a private room awaiting my body scan.
In the days leading to my emergency room visit, I was dealing with pain in my lower right back. I kept hoping it away as I’m reasonably fit and healthy. I figured it would dissolve on it’s own.
That Sunday I was working at a friend’s Airbnb, preparing the space for a guest.
It may have been the beautiful tucking job I did on the bed or my acrobatic maneuvers with the vacuum but when I walked out to my car, the pain sent me reeling as my back spasmed.
Still, I managed to climb in and drive a few blocks away where my curiosity landed curbside on an antique dining set awaiting a new owner. I nearly forgot my back momentarily as I pondered the potential rescue of these lovely wooden pieces.
My body was quick to remind me of its desperation when I was about to jump out to snap photos of the loot.
Okay okay, no home decor today, it’s time to see a doctor.
It had become too painful to shift the car into gear. I grudgingly phoned my husband to come fetch me.
As we rolled up to the ER entrance, Ms. Independence told him to drop me off and go home. I would be fine.
The series of tests proved that I was full of healthy organs and that my issue was musculoskeletal.
I came home, exhausted from the hours spent in examination, and very carefully climbed into my bed.
I often speak of the little things in life. Whether it’s a little bird chirping a cheerful tune outside my window or reaching for my bedside glass of fresh water in the night, these pieces form our enjoyment of this human experience.
Try as I may to never take anything for granted, the Universe throws a reminder my way now and then.
Our health is a profound wealth. It is a currency of extraordinary value.
A couple of days later, I found an amazing chiropractor less than a mile from my home. I hold a nifty gift of manifesting the most magical people into my world!
Her entire office is wellness focused, from nutrition, to counseling, to massage and reiki. An treasure trove of goodness!
As I recover from what ended up being extremely tight muscles wreaking a bit of havoc on my body, I’ve taken inventory of the culprits that brought me here.
I’m one who professes health and wellness, yet I end up in the ER wondering if I have a life threatening issue?? Why did this happen? Could I have prevented this? How do I need to live differently?
I’ve heard mention of the book, The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D.
Perhaps it’s time I read it.
I’ve long been a “I got this” girl.
When something needs done, I jump in and make it happen. When a loved one is experiencing difficulty, I’m there. I’m a fixer. I’m an empath. I want others to be happy, sometimes to the point of my own self sacrifice.
The subject muscle was primarily the psoas, a long deep muscle in the lower back responsible for spinal support and hip flexion. It is also a holding ground for trauma and stress.
Between 2021 and 2024, I experienced much turbulence coming out of the pandemic alongside my husband’s prostate cancer journey. I held large financial gain, a series of moves across states, the death of my darling mother in law and a deeply impactful financial loss along with continuously caring for my husband, family, clients and friends.
I’m a wildly determined and resilient woman. I stay true to my commitments. I consistently prove to myself that I am capable of outstanding accomplishments. Most of the time, I feel pretty grounded, even in the midst of chaos.
Now I can see a few blind spots.
I’m ready to utilize more help than I have before.
I’m fortunate to currently have a health insurance plan that covers some alternative care such as massage and mental health.
I’m considering a therapist for the first time. There are pieces of the past years that need to be voiced to a party other than friends or family. I’ve been carrying a load I felt I could handle…but why?
I thought I had it covered with all the positive things I do for myself.
I walk daily.
I observe and connect with nature.
I talk to Source.
I meditate.
I’m an avid journaler.
I eat well.
I have a very optimistic mindset and truly love life.
I’ve started a beautiful morning gratitude practice.
I stay connected to a few incredible soul sisters.
While all of this is exceptional, I realize the impact that highly stressful years have had on my body.
My wake up call was the ER trip. I’m feeling tremendously grateful that my issue is muscular and not something much worse.
As I embrace other healing modalities and pathways to creating more well being in myself, my heart goes out to other women who are holding much more than they should.
I wonder what might happen to alert them of their need to nurture themselves in a greater capacity.
Ladies, please take some time to look at the areas where you may need some help and start sourcing it today.
Whether it’s getting behind on taxes, putting off a dental exam, not affording the luxury of massage or taking time to food prep and consume healthy meals, I know that most of us could benefit from support.
My mind goes to the idea of creating groups of women who together bring a wealth of knowledge and resource forth.
I imagine what could happen for everyone involved in a local micro community where skills and tasks were shared.
I’m envisioning a variety of domestic services, business professionals, healers, teachers and more. The weight of carrying out what’s needed for a well rounded life could be distributed in creative ways.
I believe as women, it’s beyond time to cultivate deep and diverse connection. To compliment vs compete. To hold a collective vision of health and success for all.
To exchange “I got this” to “we got this”.
As I tromp my path to greater personal health, I am sewing seeds of this vision along the way.